I’m not sure what is making me more upset right now: people’s perceptions of me or the Penguins/Flyers game. I really hate Philadelphia but maybe not more than having anxiety attacks again.

It’s been so nice living without this kind of pain and anxiety for the recent past and having it surge up like this again has been frightening to say the least. I guess it goes to show that no matter how much progress you think you’ve made the basic problems are still there.

I need a walk. And a break from tumblr for a while.

I wish I knew how to use tumblr because I can’t even figure out how to comment on other people’s postings. But I do want to say I’m not trying to force my health ideas on anyone and I’m aware the Whole30 is not for everyone. I’ve tried to lose weight before and nothing made sense until now, but it’s more about awareness of what I put in my body and being smart about food choices, not restriction. And I am going to add more groups back slowly to see about intolerances (like lactose or gluten) and just knowing what my body is capable of.

I hate that I can come off to some people as a smug bitch who brags about success. I’ve struggled with weight all my life, had the shittiest self esteem and anxiety disorder (medications and therapy and all), chronic back pain every day for the last 5+ years (and at 24 years old will have about 60 more years of it if I don’t figure out a way to get rid of it) and countless other issues I’d rather not list.

I also don’t like being judged for my perceived wealth. I know I had a fortunate upbringing and now have a good paying job. But it’s not like I buy $500 purses every week. All my disposable income goes into rent, bills, and food. Maybe I’ll buy myself a new clothing item once in a while but by in large I’m not a big spender. That’s not how I want to be perceived just because I prefer fresh fruit and vegetables that won’t make me sick over 10lbs of rice. Besides, my grocery bill is not that much different from before because I buy less pre-made frozen meals and I rarely eat out now. That has saved a lot and allowed me to feel better and more confident about what I am putting in my body.

Believe me, I grew up in an italian household which is focused on eating and I myself lived off of pasta for dinner every night when I was in France the summer of 2009. Pasta is definitely still my favorite food (or maybe that’s chocolate, hard to decide). But if it is inherently making me sick without me knowing it is important to consider the affects it has on my longterm health. Only time will tell.

Today is the day! I think I didn’t need to extend it the extra days but regardless here I am. I lost another pound and gained some inches back so we will net-net that I lost 7lbs and 6inches or something.

So now is the part of the journey I am looking forward to most: reintroducing the foods. I want to see what kind of crazy reactions certain foods give me so I know what I should have been avoiding all this time. And to know my boundaries when I go out to eat instead of listing… everything on the planet as my restriction. But who knows, everything on the planet might be my restriction. That’s kind of what I’m afraid of.

My stomach still doesn’t feel settled enough to begin but I look and feel pretty good otherwise. I hope it doesn’t affect my reintroduction results but we will see.

Tonight’s novelty: wine. Since I had my tea in the morning 30 days ago I think it’ll be fine to introduce wine tonight as it’s been 30 24-hour days. Appropriately, today is National Drink Wine Day. Let’s hope my celebration goes well.

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Today is the day I would have been done with my Whole30 if not for the secret added sugar in my tea during the first week. So I did take some weight/measure for data’s sake (and of course general curiosity).

Weight 171.4

Bra line 35in

Waist 34

Bellybutton 39

Hips 41

Leg 25

Arm 14

Loss: almost 6 lbs and 7 inches. Wow, 7 inches sounds like a lot!! The pictures are hard to tell I think but in person it is certainly noticeable. I honestly thought I’d lost more weight but maybe it’s the muscle weighs more than fat concept? Regardless, I do feel pretty good and lighter and could see myself sticking to this way of eating. The only problem is public outings and food on the go. You have to scour every allergen menu online at restaurants before you go and even then it doesn’t tell you if there is added sugar in the marinade or what it is cooked in. I must admit I had Chipotle on Thursday because I was starving and online it says there is no soy/peanut/gluten/etc in the carnitas so I had that plus salad and chopped tomatoes on lettuce. And it was delicious but I feel like it is the only restaurant I could go to (and the closest ones are at least 20-30 mins away).

So I’ll be continuing the next few days to focus on sleep and better menu planning. And then next Sunday I’ll start reintroducing foods one at a time and observing…

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Finally some fun art stuff (NYTimes article Painting with Sound). I should really be using this blog more for art but I’m still trying to find my groove with art again. The RISD classes have been helping but I still have a long way to go.

http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2012/01/15/magazine/painting-with-sound.html

art

On second thought the nausea and non sleepingness is probably from the one cup of coffee I drank 16 hours ago. Didn’t have the nausea last night but still had the other symptoms.

Yes, I am that sensitive to coffee/caffeine. I’ve learned this the hard way, aka not sleeping at all while living in France because of the daily “cafe” breaks at least three times a day. And then somehow falling asleep at my desk at work but never in my bed at night. So embarrassing.

In conclusion, I should only drink tea or decaf coffee if I desire sleep at night.

Not that everyone needs to know this but I feel terrible right now and can’t sleep. Nausea. Have had gas yesterday and today after eating green bell peppers stuffed for lunch each day. I might be sensitive to nightshade vegetables which include all peppers (plus paprika, chili powder, etc spices) and tomatoes. Tomatoes!! Ugh this whole30 is revealing and important but now I’m afraid I’m going to be sensitive to all the foods I cut out if some of the “allowed” foods are affecting me!! I guess it’s important to know because who knows, maybe the food sensitivities and digestive issues all the doctors keep asking me if I have are related to the chronic back pain. Only time will tell…

12 min AMRAP:

1 Deadlift (55lbs)

1 Barbell Burpee

2 Deadlift

2 Barbell Burpee….and so on

I did 9 rounds of deadlifts and 8 rounds of burpees. I was glad I could do more weight. Maybe it’s the Whole30 (everyone seems to be doing their personal records by the end of it) but I know I haven’t lost any weight from my last weigh in when I restarted. I went to the doctor’s for my yearly and they weighed me there. I’m just going to keep trucking and hope that by the end of the 30 I’ll have that breakthrough everyone keeps mentioning on the community forums. I miss eating out and not having to prep as much but I’ve gained so much awareness and a new respect for food and cooking that it’s definitely been worth it. And maybe I am just ignoring the results because on second thought I might be getting more definition to my abs. I never really had abs but like the outline of them is clearer, kind of giving me my shape back. I can only hope that continuing to eat this way will bring great things, time will tell. At least 16 more to go! (Some people continue past 30 or even 45 if they feel they haven’t beaten their “sugar demons” who tell you to eat chocolate all the time :) I know I had those before I started…

Also running has been working out great. No real issues. I hurt my calves at crossfit last week (or was it the week before?) so I was out for 5 days. Too many jumping pull ups (and by too many I mean 150). But I’m back on to it, 2 miles scheduled for tomorrow and 2.5 for Sunday. I also registered for my first 5k over St. Patrick’s day weekend. It’s 5 weeks away so I should be well over 3.1 miles by then. I think that weekend is scheduled for 6 miles so as long as I don’t hurt myself or get sick and keep up momentum I’ll be well on my way to my first half marathon (tentatively scheduled May 12th. Haven’t officially registered yet but should soon).

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Just pinned up my homework at pen and ink drawing… So embarrassing and at the same time so inspiring seeing others work. Maybe someday I’ll make beautiful sketches that could pass as legit artwork.

Retook my measurements today, which is kind of cheating but kind of not since I’m restarting the thing anyway.

Weight 173.2lbs

Bra band 35”

Waist 35”

Belly button 40.5”

Biggest 41.5”

Leg 26”

Arm 15”

In a little over a week with some slight cheating (apparently), I lost 4lbs, 1.5” in bra band, 0.5” in the “biggest” category. I must’ve mis-measured the bra band but I guess I’ll get confirmation when this whole thing is done. Kind of exciting to think I’ll be under 170 soon.. that would be the thinnest I’ve been in years (like 3 or 4). Too bad chocolate is so tasty but again that’s the only thing I’ve really missed. And wine/alcohol is nice too. And the occasional pasta :) Plus I’ll probably want to put milk back in so I can do protein shakes for my runs and workout recoveries (calves still kill today). But sugar and soy as a hidden ingredient? Never, I will cross that off my list forever I think. Reading all labels like a hawk!!

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